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So many memories.

Was going through old paperwork and found the statement I had to give to police after Jason and I were robbed 4 years ago. I really think that that was the night I fell in love with him.... or at least what I thought was love at the time.

Why do I even bother?

I could say that I *try* to be a good person. I mean I do, sometimes. However, eventually people just end up pissing me off or annoying me. What's a girl to do? I have very little friends, I'm not close to my family at all. I just feel so awkward  or strange when I'm around other people. I guess that's what happens when you spend most of your childhood by yourself.  I'm kind of like Michael Guerrin in the way that I'm alone and that's the way it has to be. In the end he always had Maria though despite how much he fought it. It really might be true the saying of "You can't love someone unless you truly love yourself" 

Fall Out boy is so evil...

going back to school is so amazingly hard. Seriously, I hate it because I suck at math and It's something I need to take A LOT of.  The other thing is I can't concentrate w/o meds. I kind of wish I was back in HS again. Back then I used to write more and had creative projects. Now what do I do? Work and sleep I'm like a zombie. I really don't live anymore. I just turned myself off about two years ago after Jason and I well... we just won't get into that one. I put on a great front though I doubt anyone can see through it except for the fact that well i'm just a little odd ( OK i'm a lot odd andpainfulblue knows what I'm talking  about.)

I've been listening to Paramore and Fall Out Boy on repeat lately and I can't figure out why for the life of me. i'm not really Scene or Emo, although my friends(the few that I still have) call me Emo Jen. Paramore makes me wish that I could write all the things I used to write when I was working late nights at SNS. God, there was a great job if I ever had one. Except the pay sucked. I stayed up all night hanging out with some pretty cool people. I remember Michelle. She had just graduated from Northwest Missouri as an art major. She was a tiny little thing with a great collection of chucks in all sorts of colors. There was the D&D crowd and yes they did play D&D at SNS it was awesome. Anthony (Mac) was one of them. I remember how much I thought I loved him and all the drama I created around that one. I was such a stupid child.

I need to see Jason again just to make all these feelings for him go away. It worked when I saw Anthony again 3 years later. I just feel so bad because I really do love Troy ( my current b/f) just not the way I loved Jason. That's the kind of love I want to have again. It was prefect despite it's imperfections. There was just a certain way he made me feel when he smiled. Although I never really trusted him... I don't really trust anyone not even myself. I mean how can I? I literally live in my own little world.

As for Fall Out Boy I've had This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race, Hum Hallelujah, and Thnks fr th Mmrs stuck in my head for days on repeat.... they are evil.
Well as we were setting off Boom-Boom's tonight we kind of realized that it kind of some what to a very small degree resembles a war Zone. All the booms and such going off randomly and the litter left behind the next day. The difference is all the pretty shiny colors and not as many deaths. Some people do get injured by fireworks through their own stupidity(i was almost a guilty party to that tonight...fucking morning glorys) the stupidity of others, defective products, or any other unforsceen event.
So I've been in this "down" state due to being bi-polar. i.e. I'm anti-social and bitchy. I've also been listening to news radio a lot ( I know I'm strange) I've also kind of realized how "society" kind of works. You have to be really careful about what you do and who you associate yourself with. Because if they do something wrong and you lets say run for public office that can come back to haunt you. Anyway i'm not really good at the whole write an intelligent blog on the fly thing i'm distracted by shiny objects far too easily.

I'm going to San Diego this week to visit Troy. Which I'm super excited about. We are going up to Los Angles on Friday because well we can and I really want to go to the Pier at Santa Monica because it has been a dream of mine forever.

Randomly ran into my ex Jarred at Wal Mart today which gave me and Sarah the LOL's for at least the rest of the day. His current Girl Dani (who hates me by the way because i'm the crazy ex) totally introduced herself to me. I thought this was hilarious because as soon as I told her my name she was all "Oh..." and made a face....Ha ha OWNED!!!

I've also been listening to a lot of Nerd Core hip hop and I think it is the shit so check this web site out

Rocket Propelled Radio

So... uh... yah...

I've been contimplating as of late what it takes to be unconditonally happy. Maybe this is because of my mental illness or because i'm so unsure of my future. Perhaps it's all in my refusal to grow up yet dying to a mature successful adult all at once. It's hard for me to combine the two. So many times I just feel like i'm standing in a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one is paying attention to me or is willing to help.

I wonder sometimes as to why no one in my past ever listend to what I had to say about my own life.  There was this certain set of guidelines I had to follow and they really didn't care about my say in the matter. I've been dying to live in southern California for as long as I can remember, dying to get out of this hell hole that is Liberty, Missouri.


Ok, so for some reason or another I don't really understand the concept of this holiday. Maybe it's because i'm not religious at all.

A post I made on the Ludo board

90 seconds of Love Me Dead are to be played on TRL tomorrow. And we got into the converstion of bands selling out here were my thoughts:

Ok, in my opinion the term "sellout" is used far to often in the music industry. I had this conversation a long time ago with my friends Kurt and Grace when incubus released Morning View. I agree 100% though to the fact that yes, they do want to be successful and make lots of money. Who doesn't? To me a band "sells out" when their sound changes completly and founding members start to leave. Sometimes people forget to realize that a bands sound can change over time to, due to personal experiences and well, being a band together for so long. Also, they may want to experiment with their sound too, because well they are "artists" and thats what artists do.

ok, sorry for the rant but i've been having this conversation with grace ever since Your Aweful, I love you came out because she doesn't like it compared to the self titled album. Hell, she doesn't even like Broken Bride. She's a true critic she hates herself LOL 



St. Paddys Day

Today all are irish... I did my part I wore green and drank green beer. However I can not get drunk because I have to help Matt lay a sub floor at Graces house because I said I would help out because he helped me move my bed. Went to Calan's to pick up Sarah's stuff and give it back to her. Grace is still mad that she hasn't apologized for her drunken escapades at the party on Tuesday night. I have no issue since I wasn't there. I'm also trying to stay neutral on the whole situation because well, I really don't want to take sides on this one.

I really should go and drink more beer since I bought a 20 pack of Miller Light Long necks. Miller Lite is good beer, for some odd reason it is my national brand of choice and I can't figure out why for the life of me. However it is at Grace's, I fail at being a drunken irish person. I somehow feel as if most of my drunken escapades are behind me. Maybe because it isn't summer yet. I drink more when it's warmer out for some reason.

*please disregard the following for it is me being well immature*
I'm also crushing hard core on this really cute drummer boy from one of my favorite bands *whistles and looks innocent* I really need to stop and act grown up about it ,but I cannot. I act like a boy crazy 16 year old when he is the topic of conversation. I just think I need to extract the idea of him being totally adorable and in my favorite band out of my head and then maybe I'll be alright...maybe.

Oh, Troy is coming into town really soon! i'm super excited about that because we keep talking on the internet and it just ends up as me dying to just hang out. The part where he lives in San Diego just really sucks. According to Sarah Jenny( who is Sarah's friend and is dating Troy's friend Stephen) said that Troy really likes me. I'm cool with this because Troy and I actually talked about relationships and that long distance ones don't work plus the fact the we both go to school and have full time jobs.

So yeah those are my thoughts for the day


I  HATE living with children. I'm in my room with my door CLOSED and what do they do? They open my door and stare at me...it's creepy. Then they proceed to tell me this story that doesn't make any sence about how when they moved in they gave me my lamp that I bought last year at home depot. The  same child i'm reffering to somehow feels the need to talk to me whenever I'm home... despite my attempts to ignore him and stay in my room.